Archive for June, 2008


Posted in EnviroHate with tags , , on June 30, 2008 by I'M AMERICAN!

Did you know that for every fourteen people there are forty-seven trees? Luckily their number is shrinking, but there are still more than a few bad apple trees that need to be cut down. For your viewing pleasure: Dead Trees.

Look at these ones on the side of a road, most likely just waiting for the right time to suicide drop on a bus full of elementary school students on their way to a field trip at a paper factory. Well your plans were cut short, assholes.

My favorite part about the fact that you can tell a trees age by the number of it’s rings is that you have to cut it in half first. No more rings for you, you wooden abomination.

This one reminds me of the Olympics. Specifically the swimming competitions in which the athletes are on the blocks waiting for the starting gun. Just think, if they dove off the top of a tree they would be a lot more likely to die than if they dived off of a stump. That’s a +1 for deforestation.

Look at your roots, tree. Even if they were in the ground soaking up nutrients, all that fiber and calcium would just reach your severed torso and drip back into the ground, where it belongs.


The Fight Commences

Posted in Rise Up with tags , , , on June 30, 2008 by I'M AMERICAN!

This morning I awoke to the buzzing of my chainsaw alarm clock and for the first time in a week I wasn’t cut turning it off.  ‘Stupid invention’ my ass.  After putting on my hare hair slippers (also homemade) I went to take a shower.  Upon turning on the water I realized I had skipped a step in my routine.

I ran out to the garage and started my Suburban, blasting the heat so that when it was time to depart I would be doing so nice and toasty.  I rolled down the window so that next months slippers – caged by the water heater – could also benefit from the heat.  I was half way out of the garage when I realized that next month was almost upon us.  So I made sure to stuff a towel under the crack of the smaller egress that leads to the laundry room.  Why go through the hassle of snapping their furry necks when they can peacefully choke to death on carbon monoxide?

I had purposefully left the shower running so that when I got back things were nice and steamy.  While lathering up using the only brand shampoo I could find that still tested on animals I realized that I was really only one person, and the battle against mother nature needed more soldiers.  This blog will serve as a way to recruit others to support the cause against our oldest nemesis.  Remember, it was the fruit from a tree and a guile snake that first screwed over humanity.  Well, I’m ready to screw nature right back.  And I hope you are too.  Lets run a train on this bitch.